last night I picked up William's subs on the way home and dropped one of to Steven at basketball. It was a long day. I had planned on cleaning the pool, but it was late, and Eirit caught us and asked to take pics of my hands so I did my nails real quick to help her out since she's so good to my boys. it was probably too late to do the pool anyway.
Tonight I hadn't planned on anything. I thought perhaps I'd go to Publix. Steven got mad at me for the way I asked a question and was rude to me and I left to go pout upstairs. He came in the room, but ignored me. I know pouting accomplishes nothing, but I had to leave the conversation b/c he doesn't treat anybody else like that and I was pretty belittled. I cleaned the pool, did homework with Dylan, found the class lists for supplies and printed them, swept the floors twice, cleared the dining room table, got a babysitter and piano teacher so I could perhaps go for a run or edit pictures or do something, but figured I should make lunch for Steven before leaving, but he left first. Anyway, he brought Julia to me although we had a babysitter. No big deal I guess, just the babysitter's first time here and she and 3 of the 4 kids were loitering around me while I made smoothies. I asked what she usually charges and she said 'I don't know, usually I get like $30 or $40. I asked for how long was she babysitting to get that and she didn't know. I asked if she usually played with the kids. This is when Tyler and Julia were with me and she was sitting at the dining room table where Isaac was eating frozen fruit. She said she often watches all of Jodi's kids so she is busy, or something like that. Anyway, I was planning on having her stay so I could run errands or whatever but decided I couldn't afford her. I was in a pissy mood b/c Julia has been pulling at her ears so I thought maybe I should take her to the doctor, then I remembered I had a missed call from her doctor. I listened to the voice mail and I had just missed her well visit. I hadn't remembered she had to have one at 15 months and had not written it down and was way too busy yesterday to remember to listen to the voice mail. Dang. I'm an idiot. I feel like I do nothing right. I sat down to do multiplication with Dylan but we got interrupted a million times. Then, the counting lids got scattered. Then we picked them up. They're still scattered for the 3rd time I think. I unloaded the rest of the dishwasher. Steven has really been helping with chores. I went for a long run with the little kids. It felt good. But there were still a million things I needed to do.
So he thinks that I'm horrible.
I cleaned most of the pool but the bag popped off as I was bringing it back to the shallow end. I heard lots of thunder so didnd't put the pole back in to get the stuff after waiting for it to re-settle. I went in. I showered. I took a nap. Steven asks me to nap when Julia naps if I'm going to. Tyler was napping.
Steven woke me up with "Do you have plans for dinner?" Not in an inviting me on a date way, more like "you're a lazy bum, get out of bed and do something with your life" way. I said no. I said I hadn't gone to Publix b/c he had. He gave me a lecture telling me I need to re-think my priorities. I can't stand watching kids so I should get a full time job and pay for daycare. Most people get up at 7am and work until 6 and still get dinner ready. He doesn't know anybody who gets to take naps every day or gets angry with no nap. He said I got my mom to babysit last Saturday but then I went and volunteered instead of doing something I need to do. He said I get in a bad mood when I make dinners so he'd rather get take out. I was sorta thinking that when I fell asleep. They don't appreciate dinners, so why stress out about it.
I got dinner on the stove then cried my eyes out. At dinner, Isaac asked if I'm sick or something. Yes. I'm sick or something.
I made cheese ravioli's and the kids all complimented the smell and taste and Dylan asked for seconds. Isaac said his throat hurt so only ate some. Tyler asked me to make it a different day. Steven didn't say anything one way or the other. He had cleared the dining room table of crumbs (that I had asked the kids to do a couple of times and they did once but then re-crumbed it.)
I need words of affirmation. I got them volunteering. I got them at my mom's house. I was able to go visiting teaching too last Saturday and brought home Rita's ice to him. I get words of affirmation at work. I was recognized in our morning huddle and almost blushed. I got a text that night about what I good day I had had form the office manager. I don't get that at home. Perhaps that's one reason I am depressed.
Nothing I do is ever finished.
Last Sunday I brought home Chineese Chicken Salad to Steven who was too sick to go to my mom's (from his surgery the Friday before.) We had left overs on Saturday - I made a egg hash out of the potato tart and everybody liked it.
On Sunday, I finished the YW photos and finished our sillouettes thingy. I was proud of it but Steven was unimpressed. I've been putting off April's photos but did one and posted it Thursday night. April didn't give feedback so I haven't been in a rush to do hers. But I told her 2 weeks so had planned on doing them tonight, hence the nap today. So I can do it when others are sleeping.
But I'm going to quit photography besides those already scheduled.
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